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Without him

He moved out

It was very sudden but not in bad terms or for any bad reasons.. he just wanted to live with his new boy girlfriend.

Me, as always, supportive and loving… didn’t argue or get pissed off, he met someone who makes him happy and if he’s happy, so am I.

It’s been a couple of weeks now and I miss him so fucking much. I have met his partner, dinner, bowling.. very nice kid, responsible and mature, doesn’t drink or do drugs… I am very proud of my boy’s choice in partner.

His partner is also a boy/girl. So they are now two boys presenting as girls who are a couple.. I did ask if that means they are gay… lesbians … ?

Apparently they are trans lesbians, I think.

I just miss him so much… it’s like a piece of me is gone 😦

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Did I miss the signs?!

This is one of the hundreds of examples of why I can’t bring myself to believe my son was always a girl.. He now re creates details of his past to say he has always felt this way but I am sure that in the first 16 years there were never any feminine traits in his actions, words, plans for the future, relationship choices, or any other part of his life.

18

Technically an adult. Second birthday in lockdown so wasn’t as eventful as I imagined but I made a whole weekend out of it. He wanted a Nintendo Switch for his birthday, so that’s what he got.. those things cost a fortune by the time you get the extra controllers, different charging stations, games, cases etc! But he loves it and is happy so I am happy 😆. His first song was also put onto Spotify, its a drop in the ocean but I am proud and it made him happy… would make him even happier if he got some likes on it … hint hint!

I suck at this!

So it feels like forever since I last posted.. I feel like this isn’t real and no one actually cares if I do or not… so if it does actually matter, please feel free to let me know.

He is turning 18 in 2 weeks. He wants laser treatment to stop his face hair from growing.. and a switch. I got him a switch. I love the idea of lasers to stop hair growth cos it would save hours of shaving.. I would do it myself if I could afford it! But I can’t get it on buy now pay later so he is getting a switch! And a microphone.. he has been writing and singing songs, about lgbt stuff… he is really good! I help him out with feedback on the final draft, I love that he trusts and wants my advice.. I am good at music stuff.. if I share his YouTube links would anyone check it out? He needs to feel that people are hearing him.. I paid for a thing so he can put his songs on Spotify… I love him.. I am so proud of him.. he has made amazing powerful songs from his bedroom with nothing but his iPhone to record his singing on… and it really doesn’t suck!

What about me

My life is my boy… or my girl.. but what I am going to do when he eventually moves out and starts his own life.. I have no idea. He is my only child. I have no friends or family in England.. we moved here with my on again off again partner. He is great, I love him.. he loves my boy… we have family movie and pizza nights.. he helps my boy building and upgrading his gaming pc.. He is a good man. Never violent, hard working, no drugs, only drinks occasionally.. and he loves my boy, teaches him all those boy things that I have no idea about. He isn’t happy about the gender change situation but he isn’t making it an issue…. mostly.

I am so lonely it hurts. My partner and I have our own bedrooms, we have no sexual contact. I hate that this is probably a huge influence on my boy.. how could he possibly know how a healthy relationship works when he has grown up with such a shitty example.

I love my boy and I only live for him. I am more messed up than he can ever be, which I like to think means I am better at helping and understanding than most mothers.. I am so scared of him moving out.. starting his life… he is going to be 18 next month… it is just a matter of time before it happens.

12/1/21

We had a good Christmas… like everyone else we were locked down so it was just us… loads of love, presents and food! My boy is doing well, been happy as far as I can tell… I’ve given him new more new clothes, makeup etc.. and he is posting selfie’s every day on Instagram, not all negative and depressing which is a nice change.. I coloured his hair part blue not long back, now he wants to try making the blonde bits brown, so that’s a job for this week.. I like doing his hair 😁 I’ve also been re designing clothes for him, I like to sew so every few days he brings me a jacket or shirt or something and wants it altered… we add a hoodie, put a zip on, shorten it, he is very creative in his style, he likes to have long sides on his shirts, flowing sleeves, I really enjoy changing up an old shirt into a cute outfit for him.

Added a white side to his black shirt
Another black shirt I added the white bits to, he likes dark and light together
Colouring his hair…
The trans mask I made at his request xx

2 AM talk

So he woke up properly.. I made him hot chocolate, he assured me that he wasn’t angry with me for the Instagram thing… he got a bunch of responses to his post asking what people would do if they caught their mum secretly following them.. all were negative, saying it is wrong and they would block her… we talked about the fact that they don’t know me, or us, their mums were probably not cool like me! He is ok. I think he secretly liked that I was going through that much trouble to stay in touch with how he was doing.

So unless he is a really good liar, we are all good. I even explained that I was using his posts for my blog , which you are reading right now… and asked if he wanted a link to it so he could read it… he said no! He seemed happy that I was doing this and said he didn’t want to read it, he wants to look back at it in years to come.. it is 2am now, so Christmas Eve… I love him so much… we are locked down because of COVID so can’t do anything at all except stay home but that is all I want or need.. I just want to see the big smiles on his face when he opens his presents.. that is all that makes Christmas important to me. ❤️🎁

Forgiven..

So I couldn’t sleep, it is just after 1am, and I had to know if he was really angry with me for making a fake Instagram profile to follow him or not… so yes, I went and woke him up. Before I did, I stood at the end of his bed.. my boy, almost 18.. I made a point for most of his younger life to go into his room every single night once he was asleep, kiss him on the head and say “I love you boo” . Sometimes he would hug me on his sleep, sometimes he would roll over like I was interrupting a good dream.. but I always believed that if I told him every single night that I loved him, no matter what was happening in our lives, his subconscious would remember it. I want to say it worked, he knows I love him no matter what.. but it is that age old question of if I hadn’t done that, would things be different? I will never know. But I knew that at the time, every single time, I knew he couldn’t consciously hear me but I didn’t care, I felt love in my heart and I felt that I passed it on to him weather he knew it or not.

So it took a bit to wake him up, but when he finally opened his eyes, I asked him if he was angry with me for the fake profile I made to follow him… before I could even explain, he said no, not angry at all… he just wanted to see what others would say to the post he made.. I explained I only did it cos I wanted to stay in touch with what was going on in his life without him feeling like his mum was a follower, and I told him I have a blog (which you are reading now) about him and wanted to use his Instagram posts in it… (I would never have done this blog without his knowledge and permission, but also never told him about it or shared it with him, and still haven’t..) he didn’t even ask to see what I was blogging about him.. he isn’t angry.. he even gave me a hug.. 🙂 I love my boy so much. He did however admit that he discovered my secret Instagram identity when I gave him my iPad password so he capful use it to record himself singing the other day… so trust??! I guess we both fucked up.. I am just so relieved that he isn’t angry with me xx

Ok, not quite the greatest…busted!!

So… I might have made myself a fake Instagram account with a fake pic and name so that I could add my boy and see what he posted… I wanted to make sure I wasn’t being ignorant to what was happening with him, he doesn’t really talk about his online life, yet he spends most days living that life… I didn’t want to interfere, I never commented, I just wanted to keep an eye on what was happening for him… and I got busted.

Not sure how… probably something to do with me giving him the password to my iPad so he could record himself singing when we weren’t home… I don’t know.. and I don’t mind… I only just saw this post on his Instagram, and I responded publicly with: “I would be happy that my mum cared enough to go to the trouble and wanted to know what’s happening in my life”