I have one child and he is and always has been my whole entire life. For 17 years he has been my little boy and now he wants to be my little girl.
My life is my boy… or my girl.. but what I am going to do when he eventually moves out and starts his own life.. I have no idea. He is my only child. I have no friends or family in England.. we moved here with my on again off again partner. He is great, I love him.. he loves my boy… we have family movie and pizza nights.. he helps my boy building and upgrading his gaming pc.. He is a good man. Never violent, hard working, no drugs, only drinks occasionally.. and he loves my boy, teaches him all those boy things that I have no idea about. He isn’t happy about the gender change situation but he isn’t making it an issue…. mostly.
I am so lonely it hurts. My partner and I have our own bedrooms, we have no sexual contact. I hate that this is probably a huge influence on my boy.. how could he possibly know how a healthy relationship works when he has grown up with such a shitty example.
I love my boy and I only live for him. I am more messed up than he can ever be, which I like to think means I am better at helping and understanding than most mothers.. I am so scared of him moving out.. starting his life… he is going to be 18 next month… it is just a matter of time before it happens.
We had a good Christmas… like everyone else we were locked down so it was just us… loads of love, presents and food! My boy is doing well, been happy as far as I can tell… I’ve given him new more new clothes, makeup etc.. and he is posting selfie’s every day on Instagram, not all negative and depressing which is a nice change.. I coloured his hair part blue not long back, now he wants to try making the blonde bits brown, so that’s a job for this week.. I like doing his hair 😁 I’ve also been re designing clothes for him, I like to sew so every few days he brings me a jacket or shirt or something and wants it altered… we add a hoodie, put a zip on, shorten it, he is very creative in his style, he likes to have long sides on his shirts, flowing sleeves, I really enjoy changing up an old shirt into a cute outfit for him.
So he woke up properly.. I made him hot chocolate, he assured me that he wasn’t angry with me for the Instagram thing… he got a bunch of responses to his post asking what people would do if they caught their mum secretly following them.. all were negative, saying it is wrong and they would block her… we talked about the fact that they don’t know me, or us, their mums were probably not cool like me! He is ok. I think he secretly liked that I was going through that much trouble to stay in touch with how he was doing.
So unless he is a really good liar, we are all good. I even explained that I was using his posts for my blog , which you are reading right now… and asked if he wanted a link to it so he could read it… he said no! He seemed happy that I was doing this and said he didn’t want to read it, he wants to look back at it in years to come.. it is 2am now, so Christmas Eve… I love him so much… we are locked down because of COVID so can’t do anything at all except stay home but that is all I want or need.. I just want to see the big smiles on his face when he opens his presents.. that is all that makes Christmas important to me. ❤️🎁
So I couldn’t sleep, it is just after 1am, and I had to know if he was really angry with me for making a fake Instagram profile to follow him or not… so yes, I went and woke him up. Before I did, I stood at the end of his bed.. my boy, almost 18.. I made a point for most of his younger life to go into his room every single night once he was asleep, kiss him on the head and say “I love you boo” . Sometimes he would hug me on his sleep, sometimes he would roll over like I was interrupting a good dream.. but I always believed that if I told him every single night that I loved him, no matter what was happening in our lives, his subconscious would remember it. I want to say it worked, he knows I love him no matter what.. but it is that age old question of if I hadn’t done that, would things be different? I will never know. But I knew that at the time, every single time, I knew he couldn’t consciously hear me but I didn’t care, I felt love in my heart and I felt that I passed it on to him weather he knew it or not.
So it took a bit to wake him up, but when he finally opened his eyes, I asked him if he was angry with me for the fake profile I made to follow him… before I could even explain, he said no, not angry at all… he just wanted to see what others would say to the post he made.. I explained I only did it cos I wanted to stay in touch with what was going on in his life without him feeling like his mum was a follower, and I told him I have a blog (which you are reading now) about him and wanted to use his Instagram posts in it… (I would never have done this blog without his knowledge and permission, but also never told him about it or shared it with him, and still haven’t..) he didn’t even ask to see what I was blogging about him.. he isn’t angry.. he even gave me a hug.. 🙂 I love my boy so much. He did however admit that he discovered my secret Instagram identity when I gave him my iPad password so he capful use it to record himself singing the other day… so trust??! I guess we both fucked up.. I am just so relieved that he isn’t angry with me xx
So… I might have made myself a fake Instagram account with a fake pic and name so that I could add my boy and see what he posted… I wanted to make sure I wasn’t being ignorant to what was happening with him, he doesn’t really talk about his online life, yet he spends most days living that life… I didn’t want to interfere, I never commented, I just wanted to keep an eye on what was happening for him… and I got busted.
Not sure how… probably something to do with me giving him the password to my iPad so he could record himself singing when we weren’t home… I don’t know.. and I don’t mind… I only just saw this post on his Instagram, and I responded publicly with: “I would be happy that my mum cared enough to go to the trouble and wanted to know what’s happening in my life”
So apparently I’m doing something right cos I made a mask for my boy, he posted a pic of himself wearing it on his social media and he called me into his room to show me what he done and what the responses were… and he had 80 something likes and comments mostly saying how awesome his mum is! 🙂 I also did his hair, which is getting a lot of praise… and I love that he posts these pics and actually says look at the mask my mum made for me.. I love that he is comfortable enough to recognise me as his mum who doesn’t use the right pronouns but still supports him.. and I have another post to make about my uncertainty about this he is a she thing… which I will do very soon, with examples of what makes me doubt, and I look forward to hearing thoughts and feedback because I really don’t get it!
His bigger boobs arrived… D size, but in reality they look like B. So they are ok. Getting ready for Christmas, some girly presents, like perfume, makeup and clothes, I have actually put his new name on the gift tags… the other stuff like computer games where he kills things I have put his name on.
He is ok.. happy.. we have spent a lot of time together lately and I have been supportive in replenishing his makeup supply and getting him anything girly he runs out of. It is so strange for me but I have actually been giving him some of my clothes I never wore.. a nice white winter jacket I gave him today looks better on him than me! 😂 I love him… he is portraying himself online as a poor sad lonely gender dysphoric boy girl, but I think that is just what’s expected… all the “no one understands me and I’m miserable” memes.. why can’t anyone put themselves out there and say they are a happy MTF and their mum buys them makeup and gives them her clothes??! All the posts are about people not using the right pronouns which apparently is a big deal, and how alone and sad the trans kids are in general… yet he seems pretty happy to me when I complement his makeup and agree to get him more bras! By the way, he is not much like a girl at home really, he is still who he always was except for the makeup. No girl voice at home, couldn’t be bothered doing nails or dressing up.. the only time he really cares and puts effort into being a girl is when he is going to college where he has a great new group of friends who are involved in the same thing.
Anyway, whatever. I appreciate people suggesting support groups and stuff but none of them are objective. I don’t think they are allowed to be. So no, I don’t need to talk with people who tell me he is my daughter and I should be using correct pronouns. I know him, he is a part of me, it has been me and him forever and when, if I believe this is truly who he is then I will respect that and make whatever changes he wants me to. Until then he is still my boy and he doesn’t seem to mind at all.
I am so over this lockdown. I just want this to be over! The boobs I got my boy looked good to me, but he tried them and said they were way too small… they looked like tennis balls! They were meant to be a B cup, they did look a little undersized. So I messaged the place I got them saying that they were way smaller than the advertised size and looked like tennis balls. They responded immediately, apologising and saying I can keep them and just pay the postage for a bigger size. So, I now have D cups coming… I really hope they aren’t huge!! I also bought an overpriced bra made for inserting fake boobies.
I am lucky that I have such a good kid. Well mannered, doesn’t touch drink, drugs or smokes, smart, good looking, extremely healthy… and I love him so much.
I am still confused about how best to approach this… every single day he posts pics of himself looking cute on his Instagram, which I may be secretly following… and he looks good, he looks happy. He says that me and my partner are the only people in his life who call him by his name and the only people he uses his real voice around.. At college and online he is Elissa, he is even using the girl’s bathrooms! He got a letter the other day from the college, addressed to Elissa.. He also had a job interview to work at a supermarket and went in respectful but feminine clothes and with makeup. They emailed him a few weeks later saying he didn’t get the job. Part of me wanted to tell him to go as the boy he is, get the job and then start wearing makeup to work once he is settled… but that is completely against what I have always lived by… I have always believed and taught him to be himself, never pretend just to please someone else and if people don’t like you then fuck them off. But as I am not yet sure that this is a good idea I am completely torn between telling him to be a proud boy girl, or to focus on getting a job and education without looking like a girl.
Part of me wants to give in and just be ok with it all.. even call him by his new name… then I have my partner in my ear saying that if I was a good parent I wouldn’t support him making such a big mistake and I will regret encouraging this when it all goes wrong.
I just don’t know. Locked down, isolated, working from home, my son/daughter and my partner.. why can’t life just be easy.
So… since my boy started this gender adventure a few months back, he has bought himself a load of cheap crap online with his pocket money… including plastic boobs for a fiver! After a few totally weird moments where I noticed his boobs were looking like a 70 yr old trampolinist and I had to tell him his boobs looked saggy… I decided that if he was going to have tits they may as well be nice tits. So today, my boys new boobs arrived… He is still at college and hasn’t seen them… I’m trying to think of what to say when I give them to him… “hey Boo (my nickname for him) here’s your new boobs… try them on and let me see if they are perkier than the old ones”! 😂 I also bought him some new bras.. again, if he is going to wear one it may as well be a nice one!
So that is today’s weird shit in my life… when I told my partner I had done this he was not happy… He thinks it is all a mistake and I shouldn’t encourage him… but more on that later. For now I am going to focus on getting the repetitive thought “I bought my boy boobs” out of my head before it drives me insane!!!
He bought himself boobs. £5 from EBay! I actually had to tell him the other day that his boobs looked saggy in the bra he was wearing… something I never thought I’d say! Don’t read this situation wrongly, he only wears his boobs when he’s going to college, where his alter ego exists… at home he is mostly still just him, killing things on his computer all day, watching YouTube videos of pewdie pie and markaplier, talking in his normal boy voice, nothing too much out of the ordinary. He has a whole online identity going, posting selfie’s in makeup and short skirts, but it isn’t something he seems to need to do around the house..